November 01, 2005
Borders of your worldI honestly do not know what came into them for them to decide the training day tomorrow. Who decided it? Is it just one person, 3 persons or 4 persons? Or more?
When girl told me about it (cos I was on MC on Monday), my reaction could only be 'what the fuck?' But I don't think I said that out. I asked, in my usual rational manner, how about the muslims? They can't possibly attend because it's Hari Raya Eve and they should be entitled to leave early.
At this point in time, let me persist in my bafflement why Muslims and Hindus don't get a half day off when it's the eve of their new year. Why is it that the Chinese get a half day off on Chinese New Year eve? Is it cos we make up almost three-quarters of this nation? Anybody knows the rationale behind this? It's something that will continue to be brushed aside in my grey matter, as it has been since I was in college.
Anyway, coming back to the training day (I really didn't think I'd have this to say of a place whose inspirations and dreams I used to believe in), it's absurd. I told cj that I'm still waiting to find a word that connotates a meaning more ridiculous than the word 'ridiculous'. A word to really sum up all the fuckinglutely absurd and ridiculous things and decisions that have been made, especially in the past month.
Do they not know that we are all rushing and working in the holidays already, to meet the tight deadlines (this, they admitted themselves) for the progress reports? Did they not see that the whole staff of us were bogged down by the setting of the papers, the vetting, the re-setting and the last but not leastly, marking? Do they not hear the quiet sighs that orchestra when they make yet another unrealistic decision and impose the expectations on us? Do they not hear the increased frequency of screaming and the shouts of who they call the most important clients in the past week? Did they not say they want to give us a holiday on Friday and beseeched that we not go back to work on our own and deny this privileged day? Did they truly think we can enjoy this privilege like in the way they self-justified it?
Who was it that sold the IDP in the package of grooming us? Who was it that banked every decision and every expectation on the assumption that we will always support one another, as if the capacity to support is genuine in each and every human being? Who was it that dreamt to give so much, push so much, wanted so much back and in the end, had to swallow the fruits of so many unexpected failures? Who was it that held time up for everyone by a mere desire to perfect an un-perfectable score? Who was it that has dreams so passionate that burnt up all the moments that should have been used to produce even more? Who was it that kept all the big pictures together but allowed the smaller details to fumble and be casted out?
Seriously, the dreams have gotten a bit too big. So big that it has enveloped life, enveloped the reality of the everyday.
If you listen carefully, the morale has sizzled. If you look carefully, the curve of joy is becoming hard-pressed. So many icebergs, they didn't see.
I'm sick of the ridiculous of everything.
xxx
So, why is that borders of your world? Because I think when lots of absurdities are happening around you and you are a carrier of this absurd-virus, and you have no control over the decisions, the outcome, you become a cranky, moody person. Probably a bit disillusioned, a bit jaded and drained of energy and enthusiasm. Yet, wanting to spend energy out, wanting to resist it all. But, can't. Repressed. Yes, that might be the word.
And if it didn't get filtered out, it may spill to other parts of your life, bringing everything else down with it.
I don't know if I make sense.
Not making sense. Symptom one.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 16:51